| Time To Work |

I went back for the last time to my old residence of block 806. When I stepped into the house, my siblings were already there, my brother with a friend. They were sitting on a sleeping bag, and around them is nothing, but a few bags of belongings remaining. Nothing anymore. I still remember rather vividly, when we first came to this house. There was so much hope and excitement. The house was so beautifully decorated, with marble flooring and pretty desks and cabinets all precisely measured and installed by my father and mother, the contractors and designers of our newest nest. My parents' poem art were hanged along the walls very prominently, displaying my parent's creativity and cooperation and love. Sofas were the latest, and beds were double deckers and to us at that time was such an exciting prospect, having a double-decker bed. My siblings and I made plans to paint our names on the wall, and I insisted that Shaun and Kady painted it, while I ended procrastinating painting mine until today, my pencil blueprint of what I wanted to paint is still there. Funny how things turned out, that I would move out to live with my Mum for the last 3 years, and unwittingly made myself a new comfort zone, away from the slums and deterioration of my used to be my beautiful home, our beautiful dream. I left my siblings there to suffer degradation and poor conditions and hell for the past 3 years. I am guilty of letting them go and never being there to guide them through those times, and I will forever live with this regret and shame. I found myself when I shifted here, and I found a life away from responsibility, and I chose to stay, when I should have helped shoulder the responsibilities and weight of their development and of the family. But I didn't go back. And today, the reason why my siblings have whatever bad things they have, it is all because I wasn't there to guide them. Because I know if I did, they wouldn't have turned out like this today. They would have been better and younger and not having to mature so abruptly and not having to lose what they deserved to experience in their youth. And they would never have developed the detrimental characteristics they have today. It was me.

I took a last walk around the house, taking in all the views I can remember where each furniture were, taking in all the smells I can from drawers and cupboards, though there is nothing left in the house to remember or experience. I always fear sadness, I fear that it would one day overwhelm me and break me down into tears. Because I know that is something that I can never do. If I break, my siblings who see me as their pillar will see me crumble and they will have no more pillars of strength to lean on. My parents both broke down in front of me before, and I chose to keep them from it, because I do not want them to experience what I am experiencing; that my parents are weaker than me and that I lost them as my pillar of strength. And that I am my own pillar since. I am the one who will bring them out of the darkness and into brighter days again. Into happiness and reunion again.

But there is nothing left but vivid memories rushing back to me, those that have been suppressed and hidden for so long. I remember the times when my Mum who was still living there with us, that I would cry because the kid downstairs was mean to me, and I told her I hated this new home because I didnt have friendly neighbours like I had in 812. I cried in her arms in the living room floor, and to my surprise my Mum took me downstairs to that house and she knocked on the door. She confronted the kid's mum about it and somehow, she made the kid apologise to me, and I felt happy again. My Mum was the one to make everything right, in my eyes. My Dad would sing us this sleeping tune that I can never forget, he will sing it so well, and to me so beautifully, even though I didnt manage to grasp its meaning, until recently. My Dad's love for us is his strongest attribute, and no matter what, even in the midst of bankruptcy and divorce, we will always know that he loves us so. When the divorce happened, both my pillars, both of them crumbled as I began to see them as more human and sometimes, as less. But even when it happened, I dedicated myself to helping them pick up and advising and motivating them to carry on and pursue. For those days, I was, psychologically, the parent of my family. Even until today, I still hold that role, though it diminished when I left 806. And that was there my siblings took up my mantle, unwittingly. And for that, I will always be eternally sorry to my two sweetest little brother and sister, that I allowed them to change and be sweet no more.

Today, 11 years after we moved into 806, the family has slowly by slowly been torn apart. It started with my Mum leaving, then I left the house, after which my fourth aunt left to join my uncle, and now, the final stroke, my father sells the house, to stay in a meagre flat in Toa Payoh to be shared by another family, leaving my brother and my sister to suffer it all. My family is no more together, and the word reunion or dinner is such a difficult thing to achieve now. We have all split up and we all have our own lives now, our own friends and our own trusted circles. And when it comes to family, we are reduced to merely paying tributes and exchanges of money, and nothing more. And yet, I know deep inside, some of us haven't given up. And when I start to work and build up my capabilities and finance, I will bring the family back again and I will make everything right again, for my Mum and my Dad, for my little ones Shaun and Kady. I have made this promise to them and a vow to myself. And that is my only life aim. Because I love them so much. And I have let them down.

Just now, the three of us shared the time together for one last time in our flat in 806. One last time for all the memories since young, and for all the furniture still left behind and marked by us with stickers and paint. All the little nook and cranny, all the windchimes left behind. And we took in all that we could take in and take away in sight and in mind. And, I bid the place we grew up in one last goodbye.

Who am I? What have I been doing all these while? I really feel like I have no character. I don't know who I am. I have no preference, no liking.
I think I might scare so many of you if i really tell you what I am inside.

My Uncle Kok Wai used to tell me that I always put the weight of the world on my shoulders. Now Michelle and Vanga too. That I always take up everything and everyone into my life and make it my responsibility. But I always feel that I can change everyone and make it better. I feel that I have perfected my psychology so much so, that I am able to manipulate myself to drive and influence others to do better things, good things for themselves.

I am a chameleon. I change with

I really don't want to... But I have to. I'm sorry.




My friday night supper

I'm flying off to Japan tomorrow night, whereas tonight Im going over to my cousin's house to sleep. Hahaha.. How exciting :) And I wanna thank Menghang, Jace and Jianning for your backpacks :)

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
(I'll be in Japan on both days! Hahaha..)

See you all soon :)

My career with the Army ends unofficially on 1st December. Such an ending it was. Friends bidding me heartfelt farewells, attempting to destroy my ORD clearances to prevent me from going and dutifully performing one last act of routines. I was loved, and I am very grateful for that.

I made many friends in these 2 years of my life. And I have learned immensely from all the experiences that I've had. There are those many good times that I had the privilege to enjoyed every moment with my buddies. There are those many tough times that we suffered together. And I'm sure these memories will last with us forever. We will always recall the times we had to go through, the long hours we had to wait, the pain we had to resist, the mental strength needed to press on, the encouragements we gave one another, the strength to take another step and the final charge into our glorious arrival at the end of the road.

The stories from my Tekong days of us arriving with many of us a head full of hair making friends, and the next moment not recognising who they were when we were all left bald.
Where our platoon sergeant sat us down at the corridor the bunk to do roll calls and info updates, while we were left to remember the bunch of information given to us.
Where we trained under the hot scorching mid day sun in the cooked parade square ground, burning our skins and leaving blisters aplenty.
Where we first ran the SOC which took hours to persuade one of our frightened platoon mates down from the height of the Jacob's ladder.
Where we were awoken up every morning at 5:30am and still seeing lifeless bodies around in their beds.
Where we ran for kilometre after kilometre burning all the fats we possibly could have.
Where we tempted the ghosts of Tekong with impossible antics and receiving our just desserts by landing in the hospital.
Where we moved forward in so much disunity in a jungle assault movement that we were left with ear damage from all the shouting from our sergeants.
Where we were made to run up and down up and down across the company line by a platoon sergeant who is 1.6m and shouts like a duck.
Where we were confined and made to clean up the toilet with 2 of them choking full of shit but no one to take ownership.
Where we were made to charge across a mudfield crawling and running just to smack a dummy with our rifle.
Where we were made to simulate a warzone by crawling through live ammunition fired above head, of which was not as scary as they tried to portray.
Where we celebrated the passing of our IPPT and the changing of Chin Hua from platoon IC
Where we walked around with nothing but our underwear challenging each other to do pull-ups while the rest of us pull-down his..
Where we would share to one another about our life stories of love and lost and comforting one another in the little time we were given.
Where we went for our final field camp for BMT and wayanging our leadership qualities.
Where we surrounded our platoon sergeant on the 2nd last night with weapons such as bedsheet and chairs in our hands, only to drop everything on the count of three and give him the biggest group hug of his little life.
Where we marched the final 24km route march throughout the night, like as if to chase the sun to chase back, otherwise we cannot book out.
Where I ironed 20 over uniforms for my platoon mates because they didnt know how and the very next day was the final rehearsal.
Where we awake on the last day with our platoon sergeant sitting us down again at the same corridor, talking to us for one last time.
Where we marched and marched for the last time together with our heads held high and chest all puffed up with pride.
Where we threw high our jockey caps into the skies when the final and very last command was given.


This is only one story. In my experience in these two years, I had many many more, OCS, OOC, 3months MC, MWC and my continuing outside life.
And these are the stories I will not forget.

Ever since it happened 5 months ago, my life took a 180 degree change. It's really like nothing's the same.
I began to be unraveled. And ever so often, I feel my weakness creeping up to me.
Something that I held and hid for so long within me, for so long, for so hard. But now I feel that it keeps resurfacing.
I don't like it. This weakness makes me pathetic.
But yet, I cannot help it.

I have this special someone.

She made luo han guo for me to drink when she felt that I was very heaty.
She refused to avoid me when I was down with an infectious fever.
She rubbed my back for me when I was sick and when I told her it makes me feel better.
She would love to hear me everyday and she wouldn't feel happy if she doesn't.
She looks after my daily water intake and insists that I drink water consistently.
She allows me to hang out with my friends even when it is at the expense of our time together.
She even teared for me when she saw all the scarring on my skin.

How sweet and cute can this girl get?

Love you :)

"The day you got me love struck."
Happy 4th of August baby =)